Angela Lascelles "Why Me?" talk for the 26th of February, 2023 - First Sunday of Lent

I was sitting in church one Sunday morning about 30 years ago, not really paying attention, when out of the epistle reading came a verse which leapt into my head – it was from the first letter of St John, ch 4 ‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:’. With my training in philosophy, I puzzled about that verse – perfect love, what’s that? How does it cast out fear?

Roll forward a few years and the meaning for me came dramatically and clearly. After many months of agonising pain, and in the aftermath of a crippling illness, I was facing a major operation the next day to identify the cause of the pain. I had summoned our solicitor to my bedside, updated my will, thought about my funeral, tried to hide the situation from my teenage children and there was nothing left to do. Suddenly, I felt those loving arms around me, complete peace, complete acceptance of whatever was about to happen. All fear was gone, trust in God was established. ‘Perfect love’ casted out that fear.

So began a journey of paying attention in church, going more frequently, having regular ‘quiet time’, studying the Bible in a systematic way, helped by the beginnings of regular Bible studies in St George’s, teasing the spiritual meanings out of the inspirational texts. Fr Michael guided me along the spiritual way, suggesting books to read, (The Go Between God by John Taylor, various books by Henri Nouwen, including The Way of the Heart), places to go (Rome) and Continents to explore (Africa). Great thanks to him from me, as well as from so many others.

Why me? Why did that particular phase of suffering fall upon me? Why not me? Why did I recover? Was it perhaps that heavenly hand signalling to me that it was time to pay more attention to Him? I had an incredibly busy life till that point with a business, three children, and many actively pursued interests as well. But God insisted on taking a central role in my life. He gave me many months confined in a hospital bed, with time to get to know Him better.  I became a deputy churchwarden and was involved in the changes at St George’s, as we left the mother church of St Mary Abbots and became joined with our sister church of St John’s. Fr Michael was Vicar of St Georges, and was turning the church community into a rapidly growing family, and leading the major restoration of our church building. There was much to do there, as well as everything else.

I know we are not supposed to think of an interventionist God, but I have felt led all my life, from the very young age when I tried to work out the meaning of ‘eternity’, sitting on my bicycle aged about 7. I was blessed with a very happy childhood, for which I heartily thank my parents, wherever they are now. We were always churchgoers and one of my grandmothers was considered a saint in the family, with her devotion to prayer and worship. I went to a local school in Kent, was confirmed at 14 and all was so normal, until in my teens my father collapsed and after 2 years of investigations was finally diagnosed with a brain tumour and died. Why did that happen to me? Why should it not happen to me? My mother was left in her mid 40s with no pension, income or savings and no experience outside our home. She sold what she could, started a business and took in lodgers. Where was God who let my father go, despite the millions of prayers for him? Faith took a back seat from then on for a time - God had let me down, destroyed my loving home.

After university I decided to follow my father’s footsteps and become a stockbroker, even though girls were not eligible at that time. But whatever the rules said – I decided I was going to do it anyway. I needed to feel part of his professional life, even though he was gone. I still went to church on Sundays but mainly to sing the hymns, as then there was no opportunity to sing elsewhere and music has always been essential for me. A couple of years later I was blessed to meet Richard, at midnight on New Year’s Eve, at the end of a difficult year – we had a brief chat, no more, but I knew that day he would be my husband. Why me? I still don’t really know, but maybe it was because I knew about the stock market! Whatever the reason, I felt God’s hand at work again.

Three particular Biblical verses have been my guides in recent years. The first I have already mentioned ‘There is no fear in love; perfect love casteth out fear’. The second is from the first chapter of the book of Joshua, which was our school reading at the start of every term. ‘ Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee, whithersoever thou goest.’ That powerful verse is inscribed in a picture I was given and many times in the last ten years, I have stood in front of it and hoped for that courage.

My last verse comes from the prophet Micah, chapter 6, and sums up for me the way I have tried to live – ‘ And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God’.

After my illness and increasing church involvement, my eyes were opened to the devastated parts of the world. At St George’s, we were encouraged to support Christian Aid and through them I became involved in the deprivation in Angola after 20 years of civil war.  I supported a programme of rebuilding the communities in Central Angola and visited the project 4 times over 15 years. I have spoken about that here before so won’t go into it again, but I have lasting memories of the joyful Christian witness amongst the most underprivileged people in the world in some of the remotest areas in Africa – what a privilege it was to go there and spend time with them.

The parable of the Talents is a powerful Biblical message and where I have been able to share my financial experience, I have tried to help – I have advised various charities, including the Diocese of London, on their investments and friends and family who have asked for advice. I have supported music, including the Chorus of Opera Holland Park, who last year were rehearsing Carmen in this very church. Supporting research into epilepsy has also been a major activity, involving such terrifying events as giving a talk to global medical experts in America about the effect of the condition on patients’ families.

One of my children some years ago said they didn’t believe in life after death and therefore wasn’t a Christian. I thought a lot about that and concluded that, of course doubts exist, but the way that Jesus taught us to live is the key. I don’t know what I believe about an afterlife and, in the mind of my 7 year old self, can’t fathom the nature of eternity – but I do believe in God’s unconditional love, I do trust God -  and I do believe that Jesus Christ showed us the way, the truth and the life – a life I will try to follow in the years which remain to me.