Sermon for the 10th of September - Fourteenth Sunday after Trinity
Disagreeing Agreeably
Have you ever got upset with someone for something they have done or said? (of course – we all have – multiple times) Does this ever happen with someone in church? Probably – because we are all different and will never agree on everything. And just look at the broader church conflicts – there have been so many disagreements over the years – starting with the development of the Creeds, then there have been the various splits into different churches and more recently debates about women’s ordination, divorce, and the current discussions over gay marriage.
The reality is, that in spite of our desire to love each other and be faithful followers of Christ, we still disagree, we still upset each other – sometimes intentionally, more-often, unintentionally. Conflict is a fact of life, disagreements and tensions are unavoidable. Even in the church!
And I love today’s gospel because Jesus is not pretending otherwise….He takes the time to tell his followers what to do when they have been sinned against. Notice what he doesn’t say……he doesn’t say, pretend it never happened and sweep it under the carpet, he doesn’t say, stop talking and hold a grudge for the next 10 years, and he doesn’t say, speak ill of them either behind their back, or to their face.
No – he tells us to go and point out the fault when alone with the person. He is encouraging us to give respect to each other – to give the person who has sinned a chance to recognise the impact of their actions or words and apologise, the chance to clear up a misunderstanding (as it may be just that) – before getting anyone else involved. If that doesn’t work, then he says to take along a couple of witnesses – it maybe at this point that the witnesses point out something you didn’t recognise. They may not automatically take your side. If that doesn’t work, lean into the church to support you – Jesus expects us to be there for each other, to help each other resolve conflicts.
And finally, if nothing works, we treat this person as someone outside of our close community. We put a level of distance between them and us so they can’t continue to hurt us. And notice…Jesus says treat them as a Gentile or tax collector. This may sound harsh but do you remember how Jesus treats Gentiles and tax collectors? He offers them compassion and care – he doesn’t get rid of people or shut them out. He continues to love them and care about them.
Now this probably won’t come easily to us. We typically don’t deal well with conflict. When James and I did marriage prep, one of the sessions was on conflict resolution. In this session two typical approaches to conflict were called out – the Rhino, and the Hedgehog. As the name suggests, if a Rhino gets upset, they charge right in, scream and shout about it, vent their anger, and then, usually, let it go. The hedgehog, by contrast, will not say anything but just curl up and prickle – step back and refuse to engage, put up high boundaries around themselves for protection. And often hold onto the upset for a lot longer.
As you can imagine, neither of these approaches are ideal – Jesus is giving us another way. He asks to confront the issue, to risk honest conversations, for the sake of healing a broken relationship. He asks us to “strive for genuine healing, not simply the illusion of harmony”. But let me ask you - How do you feel when you hear the words “we need to talk”? They instantly make us feel defensive, right? And if we are feeling defensive, we aren’t going to be able to easily hear what the other person has to say. And I think this is where the first reading we heard today is needed. If we are going to approach someone to point out something they have done which has hurt us, we must be doing it from a place of love.
Our intention should be to want the best for the other person and our relationship with them – Paul’s letter to the Romans, reminds us to love our neighbour as ourselves. It is much easier to hear something hard someone might want to say to us, if we feel they genuinely want the best for us and care about us. We won’t be able to resolve conflict if we don’t love each other as ourselves. And so, we need to do the work of bringing honesty and integrity to our relationships. We need to do the work to resolve conflicts and heal broken relationships wherever we can, and we need to keep hoping and praying for reconciliation, restoration, and renewal, even in the mess and muck of life we live together. We might not always agree – we almost certainly won’t always agree on everything, but we can – to coin a phrase used on the Rest is Politics podcast, disagree agreeably.
We can seek to understand each other better, to understand the impact of our own words or actions on the other person, and ensure we respect each other, so that disagreements do not break whole relationships. Can we learn to disagree agreeably?
As Debie Thomas writes: “What a timely set of “rules” and principles! …Has there ever been a time when we’ve felt so divided, so partisan, so deeply entrenched in our own perspectives, cliques, and subcultures, as we do right now? We can barely even hear each other anymore. We can barely even condescend to listen. This, despite the fact that Jesus’s most fervent prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane was for the unity of God’s church.”
Jesus tells us plainly that the way we conduct relationships here and now has direct consequences for God’s coming kingdom: “Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” In other words, the depth, health, and quality of our relationships within the church really matter. They matter eternally.
I wonder if we can be brave enough to speak honestly to each other? I wonder if we can be kind enough to really listen to each other? I wonder if we can hope and pray for healing – both within the church and beyond. Are we ready? Are we willing? As Jesus points out, we need to talk.