Anita Kouassigan "Why Me?" talk for the Fourth Sunday of Lent

I have chosen a title for my Lenten talk today, and it is:

MY SOUND OF MUSIC STORY

Later on, you’ll understand why I chose it.


I can’t possibly begin to explain all the reasons for “WHY ME?” during my talk today, as I could be up here for at least an hour. But in summary, I would like to say that it is because of this church that I have truly found my voice again, in more ways than I would ever have imagined.

The fearless type of voice that reminds you that God in control. Some call it GODFIDENCE. I used to be a fiercely private person before I started coming here. I was not one to share my personal battles with anyone. But that all changed because I had met Father James - that is James Heard - at St Luke’s Chelsea in 2012 before he moved to this church in 2013.


You see, it was Father James that interviewed me to grant me permission to marry at St Luke’s. And I will never forgot how kind and non-judgmental he had been when I shared the tragedy of losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks.

I never thought I would see James again after that pre-marital interview, as he didn’t actually get to conduct the marriage service in the end, as the timing of wedding date meant he was on holiday.

Moreover, I was no longer living in Chelsea, I had simply wanted to get married in the area after having spent most of my childhood there, and due to my feeling of attachment to where my late father - who sadly was no longer around to attend - had a strong connection.

My point is, I had no reason to stay in touch with Father James. But then I received the news in the St Luke’s Church Newsletter that he was moving to this church on Holland Road.

So, I decided to try out a service because I also happened to move to this area and I hadn’t yet chosen a church to attend. Therefore, it was fate. And by this time - 2013 - I was pregnant again. But I was so terrified of another loss that I hadn’t wanted to tell a soul until near the very end of my pregnancy. But now I could…..I was able to reconnect with Father James who was already aware of my history. I started to talk, about my fears, about my belief that all would be well and he listened, whenever I needed to. So I kept returning to St John’s.

Talking about it was an act of faith. There was no point hiding anymore, like it was secret I didn’t want to come out. Because I was believing in God’s best for me.

I attended Evensong religiously nearly every Sunday during that time until I had my first child, Alexa and then moved abroad for 4 years before returning to the UK in 2016. I kept all the service sheets of that period. I happened to find them the other day during a clear out, and they remind me of my act of faith.

So when Father Peter invited me to speak, I immediately responded with a YES. Because God has afforded me the opportunity to be part of this community and I am grateful that this church has contributed to my healing, as I have worked to overcome some traumatic events in my life.

I admit even though I said yes right away, I was a little nervous thinking, I have to speak about myself. How can I possibly do that. I double-checked the title: “WHY ME?” And if I may, I rephrased the question a little……”Why am I here?”

And thereafter I realised this talk would not just be about me, but about the great works God has done in my life, even during one of my darkest periods which began in 2012, about a year before I started coming here, which I have just shared.

Of course, it can be scary to “put oneself out there”, but when you congregate with likeminded people who join together with common intentions; to pray, to worship and to sing and to spend time with God it becomes easier to share your journey and your reason for being here in the first place. And during conversations at the after-service drinks you do get asked why you are here. And I have 3 main reasons.

The first is simply: to sing in the choir. For me, one of the best ways I am able to articulate my faith with others is through my appreciation of liturgical music.

Moreover, during the past 10 years it has become a habit for me not to turn down anything that I am able to contribute to this church, and that includes reading lessons when I am asked as well as singing in the choir just like I used to at school. And so contributing to this church also takes me back to my school Chapel days, which I really enjoyed, and which is where my faith began.

The next reason for my being here is to pray and to stay in faith – which is ongoing of course – knowing that God will eventually answer and grant me my heart’s desires.

I won’t deny it, it was quite a journey the first few years at St John’s. For example, the dark winter evenings, when it was bitterly cold for lack of heating. And I remember wanting to participate in a small ensemble by the organ to help boost the congregational singing, which was more or less non- existent at the time. There were about 3-4 members of the congregation so how could this church possibly appeal to me when I was already feeling down?

Because I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in signs and messages from God. Messages that lead us to make certain decisions. Such as a sign that you are meant to be somewhere, or that you are meant to meet or re-connect with someone or certain people. I honestly believe that if it had been another priest who had conducted my pre-nuptial interview and not Father James, I would not be here.

I would more likely have attended another church in Notting Hill, the area I was more familiar with back then. But this was meant to be my church. Even though I could hardly hear the sound of any music back then, I had already noticed the amazing acoustics and potential.

Other signs that I am meant to be here are the museum of the moon which came much later – a magnificent artwork hosted by this church. It is hard to articulate to anyone who did not see for themselves how the moon illuminated this venue, and I have personally witnessed this church transform from darkness to light since I started coming here.

And so I often view this church as having a journey of its own. It has that transformed from that cold, dark and quiet place into the epitome of life, light and music which came after certain major repair works were completed and a choir was formed. It is a place that hosts beautiful concerts and brings tourists in.

CONCLUSION

I could have talked for much longer about “WHY ME”, but the last reason for my being here is the link I have found between my relationship with God, serving God and enjoying sacred music, which all seems to fall into place for me in this church.

For me the link between God and music began with the first movie I ever watched, “The Sound of Music” which has influenced and had a lasting impact on me. I will never forget the day my father invited us into his room, with his huge TV screen – boxy of course – no flatscreens back then - and where he housed his library of huge tapes. My father had more of these videotapes than books in his library, compared to others. He used to record hundreds of movies in the UK, which was our second home, and where all my siblings were born and later educated at boarding schools.

I clearly remember the images of the Austrian Hills and the sound of the nuns singing the Dixit Dominus at the Abbey after my father slotted the videotape in the operating system back then – pre VHS - in early 1982, and I was mesmerised.

I somehow then later made a link between the nuns singing and my very first attempt at Psalmody at an Eton Choral Course in 1996. I realised it was second nature to me, as if I had been performing such my whole life. No one taught me. I just got a hang of it right away and I remember that first rehearsal clearly. I was performance of Psalm 139 the version sung by the St John’s Cambridge choir. And singing psalms is part and parcel of the Evensong services I enjoy being part of.

In terms of non-liturgical music, I would also like to share that one of the best pieces that I am able to perform with my voice type is “Music For A While” by Purcell. Is it a coincidence that the lyrics resonate so strongly with me, let alone the tune?:

“Music For A While….Shall all your cares beguile….”

Not appropriate for a Lenten service, so I couldn’t sing it today, but still the message is deep for me. It is music I turn to, when I feel anxious or isolated, which is when I most need to feel connected to God.

So, to finish my sound of music story, I’ll share some memorable words from the movie itself:

“I look to the hills, when my heart is lonely…..”

I first heard these words being sung at the tender age of 4, and I was later to make a link between these lyrics and the text of Psalm 121, verse 1 the very first time I heard them.

Psalm 121v1:  “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.”

That was during a reading I had to do in Chapel at school. There is of course no mention of music in this verse but for me it spoke of God and music and the hills and heaven. So I always knew that it was music that would help me get through the hard times. And that is true:

Indeed, I have found solace in the psalms, especially during times of trouble. If I am lost for words, about how to pray I turn to the psalms, even it’s just reading them from the bible. So getting to sing them at this church is even more special for me.

“I know I will hear what I’ve heard before…”

Indeed, my time spent in this church has afforded me the opportunity to sing pieces I sang during my teenage years – at both my schools - such as Lotti’s Crucifixus and Faure’s Requiem.

“My heart will be blessed, with the sound of music…And I’ll SING…ONCE….MORE”

So Thank You St John’s….and as Captain Von Trapp said when he walked into the situation of music being brought back into his life by Maria and his 7 children, let alone his home:

“You brought music back…I’d forgotten”

A big Amen to that………